Surviving Two Under Two.

... what I would have told myself with a toddler / newborn combo

Back in 2018 I was very content with my first child.

We had tried for a while to have him, and he was just the most delightful baby. My husband and I hadn’t started discussing when we would try for a sibling, Finn was 13 months old and we had only started sleeping again. I had issues staying pregnant because I have a mild thyroid disorder. I wasn’t taking the medication I needed to keep a pregnancy, so with breastfeeding and pumping I was most certainly my own form of birth control. Or so I thought. When we were ready to have another kid I would get back on the Synthroid, and then we would start trying again. 

HA. 

Turns out I was already pregnant with his sister. 

he totally knew before we did.

If you are also in a position where you are unexpectedly expecting, and planning to tackle the gift of two babies under two years, I’ve got some advice.  I get a lot of questions about this, because I've been very honest about my experience. In those days of sleep deprivation, nap traps, double diaper-duty, and crumbled snacks in every possible space of my house, everyone told me that it would get better… but I couldn’t believe them because I was struggling so much. Part of me wanted to get in the car and drive to the airport for about three years. Now that we are blissfully out of the baby/ toddler/ preschool years and I have two amazing children who can entertain each other for hours, I will tell you it’s so worth it.

Here’s the honest truth - having a newborn and a toddler is HARD. 

This is not for the faint of heart. You will be managing a child who cannot hold their head up, constantly feeding them, and a crazed toddler who needs a LOT of attention as their favorite game is playing “hide and seek” in a parking lot.

Many, many years out I can look back and tell myself that I would do it all again for the kids I have now. They absolutely love each other (mostly) and are completely best friends (without admitting it). Everything is easier. They play together incredibly well. They enjoy the same toys, games, and their schedule is almost exactly the same. It’s divine. Having a third baby with two school-age has really thrown a wrench into our day; so now I can finally go back and highlight the easier things. 

Here are the essential survivor tips of having 2 Under 2. 

1. Get a babysitter. Or help, like really good help, that you trust. 

We had our kids without family nearby. We had a ton of really wonderful and loving friends who made our lives absolutely lovely. Accept help. People who offer to help want to, so take it. Many of our friends were happy to bring over meals, grab groceries, and offer emergency babysitting when we needed it. I was happy to repay the favor. I once hired someone to come over in the mornings so I could take a nap after a hard night, and my only regret is not doing it more. Have someone you can trust to take the kids so you can date your partner, or get some time to yourself. 

2. Get 20 minutes alone with each kid

I wish I knew this sooner. Getting a little brother or sister is wonderful and exciting, but it’s also a lot for the older ones to deal with. If you can carve out time that’s just the two of you, do it. Even if it’s watching a show together, or doing a solo bedtime, it’s something. I didn’t have the extra hands for a while, but I would take Finn out without Piper on the weekends or snuggle with him after my husband came home from work. Anytime you notice that behavior or listening is taking a nosedive, add in some solo-time. Negotiating boundaries is a BIG part of toddler development, so they will test you, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Spending extra time when you can have one-on-one time can sometimes help with new situations and changes. 

One other thing that I will put in your path is that…. You have had a lot more time to bond with your first child than your second. You have spent a good amount of time getting to know each other and it took time. You might not feel that immediate spark of joy with each newborn. It’s also just hard to bond with your baby when there is constant chaos. I felt like a horrible mom to my daughter when she was a newborn, but I wasn’t. She has been the greatest gift to our family and I truly don’t know what we would do without her. My husband spent a ton of time with my son so I could have some just-baby time and that really helped us find our rhythm. Again, even small chunks of quality time with each kid can really help bring up your bond. 

 Now that we have three and the older two are in school, this is especially hard. I’ll come back to this once I’ve figured it out…. 

3. Make everybody wait

 Your toddler, as an only child, likely got all of your attention. This transition can be really tough for them. You do not want to be dealing with a blowout and a tantrum at the same time. It feels like juggling glass balls, because it is. So, I would often loudly remind my 2 week old baby that she needed to wait so I could help her brother. I think this made it seem fairer now that everyone was taking turns. Also, your baby won’t die from crying. This seems like a really harsh truth, but trust me, sometimes you need to put the baby down so you can race after their older sibling. Prioritizing safety, (and your sanity), makes you a good mom, not a bad one. 

4. Get them on the same schedule. Get them on the same schedule. 

I cannot stress this enough. Let me say this again, louder, with feeling, GET THEM ON THE SAME SCHEDULE. 

This, THIS, is how you survive. Get them eating at the same times, sleeping at the same times, and you are golden. You need need need need an hour to yourself to be a human. Please explain this when you have guests, as well. A quiet house for an hour is golden. Piper also had horrible colic when she was a baby, so she was often up screaming until 1am, and Finn would wake up at 6am. My husband took the mornings with Finn, Piper would nap during the morning activities / storytimes, and then they both took a nap around 2. I lived around that schedule so I could get my break to work, shower, and exercise. 

5. Stock your Car, not your diaper bag

   
   

( I recognize the privilege in this. If you are a city parent, use your stroller or invest in a locker at a commonly-used space if you can.)

For each child you will need diapers, change of clothes, snacks, toys, and water/ bottles. This is a lot to lug around. As soon as you can switch over to a backpack vs diaper bag, do it. You are even more likely to tweak something in your back as you are recovering from back-to-back pregnancies. I kept a plastic bag with clothes and diapers for each, a box of car-safe toys*  and books, wipes, and entire boxes of snacks, in my car at all times. Simply grab what you need for each errand, and save diaper changes for the car while the other kid is safely strapped in place. 

*Car safe toys= toys without small parts, books that you don’t care about if they get ripped up, etc. I personally love the obnoxious light-up, buttons that make sounds, and sing-song toys for the car. They are highly entertaining for littles and keep them awake. I also can keep them entertained by telling them which buttons to push, and if I can hear them I have a little piece of mind that my kids are okay back there. 

Now, as with all things parenting, take this with a massive grain of salt. Your situation will be different than mine was. Every child is different, and you will parent the kids you have. Take advantage of every single offer for help that you can. That might mean takeout, having grandparents take the toddler out so you can nap with the baby, extra screentime, or putting everyone in daycare. 

I promise you will figure it out. 

If you have also survived the 2Under2 and have helpful tips to share, please leave them below. 

Xo

SA